St Patricks Day Bennett

St. Patrick’s Day can bring some hard lessons, from “it’s never fun to puke green,” to the consequences of kissing too many random “Irish” strangers. Luckily for the pop-culture populace, though, some of the greatest and biggest mistakes have already been made on TV and in movies. The resulting lessons are there for the taking, and, this holiday, The A.V. Club presents some of our favorites in hopes of saving a reader or two from some time in lockup or fighting with a leprechaun.

Lesson: Nothing good comes of underage drinking on St. Patrick’s Day.
Proof: The Simpsons’ “Beer Baron” episode
Not since Al Capone has prohibition seen a foe quite like … Homer Simpson? In the all-time classic episode Homer Vs. The 18th Amendment, Homer battles wits with the U.S. Treasury Department officer, Rex Banner, who is summoned to enforce Springfield’s newly discovered 200-year-old prohibition law. But Homer’s masquerading as the “Beer Baron,” sneaking beer into Moe’s Tavern inside bowling balls via a complex series of tubes, wouldn’t even have been necessary had Bart avoided getting drunk during the town’s annual St. Patrick’s Day parade. When some errant beer is funneled down his “long plastic horn” (vuvzelas before they were cool), Channel 6 cameras capture Bart’s drunken stumbling. Concerned parents cry for the return of prohibition, Springfield’s antiquated law is discovered, and the showdown between Homer and Banner begins.

 

Lesson: St. Patrick’s Day parades are a great way to evade the law.
Proof: The Fugitive
The 1993 thriller The Fugitive taught us more than a few lessons about evading law enforcement when you know you’re not the one who killed your wife. Perhaps the most important of these is how to use a St. Patrick’s Day parade to your advantage in this pursuit. In the second-most-famous parade scene shot in Chicago (the most famous one offers no help), Dr. Richard Kimble (Harrison Ford) darts in and out of foot traffic and the parade itself, trying to avoid capture by U.S. Marshal Sam Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones). The scene was a spur-of-the-moment decision by director Andrew Davis, a Chicago native, who obtained the proper permits from the city just in time. Also glimpsed in the scene are actual government officials, including Mayor Richard M. Daley and then-Illinois Attorney General Roland Burris, who would later be appointed as President Barack Obama’s replacement in the U.S. Senate by embattled then-Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Oh, and Dr. Kimble gets away without even having to sing “Twist And Shout.”

Lesson: Don’t fuck with a leprechaun.
Proof: Leprechaun
The largely execrable Leprechaun franchise has only offered one lesson, but it’s an important one: Don’t fuck with a leprechaun. Mythology tells us that leprechauns are prone to pranks and shoemaking, but the titular leprechaun of the film series doesn’t mess around with shoes, and his pranks are just typical slasher-movie fare—lawnmower blades to the face, strangulations, etc.—with the occasional little-people twist. And don’t think you can escape by avoiding verdant glens and the rolling hills of Eire—the little bastard really gets around over the course of the six movies of the series, including trips to outer space (yes, really), the Los Angeles ’hood, and even Las Vegas. In typical horror movie-franchise fashion, there’s no reliable way to off the little bugger either. Each film offers its own way to kill him, but the wee, murderous runt returns again and again to torment another group of witless victims—and to squeeze a few more dollars out of easy-to-please horror-movie fans to fill his pot of gold.  

 

Lesson: You’re probably just drunk, not divinely (or even Irish-ly) lucky.
Proof: How I Met Your Mother, “No Tomorrow”
The kelly green luster of St. Patrick’s Day can be enough to blind anyone within sparkling-distance of the celebratory shenanigans—even How I Met Your Mother’s typically upstanding Ted Mosby. In the show’s “No Tomorrow,” Barney Stinson convinces Mosby to ditch their friends’ old-married-people game night in favor of partying, and a few seemingly fortuitous events find the two admitted to a hot-spot nightclub. After more than a few drinks, Mosby grows increasingly bold, hitting on every woman in sight as he begins to believe his willingness to celebrate St. Pat’s “the right way” has earned him a one-night reprieve from all consequences. That one night, however, leads only to a blackout—and to a fatherly morning lecture from Marshall Eriksen, complete with evidence of Mosby’s debauchery that would hold up in court. If you feel like you’re getting away with more than what’s good for you, you probably are. And on March 18 (which, remember, will never actually cease to exist), if you’re like Mosby, your friends will have the 17 drunk-dialed voicemails to prove it.

Lesson: Don’t try to close down an Irish pub on St. Patrick’s Day.
Proof: The Boondock Saints
Even before their reign of radical vigilantism kicks in, jolly Irish bruiser brothers Connor and Murphy McManus demonstrate they are not to be trifled with as they punch out a female coworker (Dot-Marie Jones a.k.a. Coach Bieste from Glee) over a not-entirely unprovoked kick to the balls, a much lesser crime than closing down their favorite bar. So when a few Russian mobster goons try to do just that—on St. Patrick’s Day and everything—they must have been expecting a confrontation with some equally hardass Irish revelers, if not the holy Catholic religion-sanctioned assault they received from the “saints.” But since anything goes on St. Patrick’s Day, aside from bottle blocking, the Ruskies should have just accepted that cognac fire on their asses as a lesson to wait to forcefully evict an Irish pub owner until March 18. That could have meant the difference between a few embarrassing bandages and being crushed by a toilet dropped off of a five-story building.

Lesson: The holiday isn’t an excuse to act a fool on television—even if it’s not your excuse.
Proof: 30 Rock, “The Funcooker”
You’d think that decades of green puke-encrusted St. Patrick’s Days would squeeze all of the potential pride out of the holiday, but March 17 is still held near and dear to people of Irish descent the world over. That goes double for the Irish population of 30 Rock’s New York City, who are shocked when Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan, the hosts of NBC’s coverage of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, collapse on-air and drop an f-bomb in close succession. Of course, it’s not that either had been drinking: Maroney is strung out from grueling production schedules, while Jordan is just being Jordan, a man who uses profanity like Pablo Picasso wielded a paintbrush. But, neither NBC boss/reluctant Irish-American Jack Donaghy nor the parade organizers take those as valid excuses. And Donaghy admonishes his parade-staining charges with one of 30 Rock’s all-time classic one-liners: “Passing out and cursing, on St. Patrick’s Day? Is nothing sacred anymore?”

Lesson: Don’t mess with the Celtics.
Proof: Cheers and the Boston Celtics’ record on St. Patrick’s Day
The age-old saying about “the luck of the Irish” apparently applies to sports as well, even if none of the benefactors are, you know, Irish. Case in point: the Boston Celtics, one of the most successful sports franchises in the history of anything ever. That luck only goes so far, as the Cheers gang learns the hard way when trying to help legendary Celtic Kevin McHale out of a slump brought on by his obsession with knowing how many bolts were in the floor of the Boston Garden. Woody Boyd, Sam Malone, Cliff Clavin, and Norm Peterson visit the Garden, where a curious Boyd and Clavin lift a board to see the Bruins’ ice underneath the basketball floor. But when the boys forget to put all the proper bolts back in place, the loose board causes injury to McHale. Floor-related injuries aside, there’s also dealing with the Celtics at the Garden (or the TD Garden, as the new building is called) on St. Patrick’s Day: The team is 13-1 at home on March 17th and 22-10 overall.

Lesson: Never work too hard on St. Patrick’s Day.
Proof: The Office, “St. Patrick’s Day”
There’s a fine line between acceptable office revelry and unacceptable office revelry. Wearing green, fine. Taking an office-related trolley tour of bars with your very own hired “leprechaun,” not okay. On The Office’s “St. Patrick’s Day,” Scranton’s Dunder Mifflin, for once, keeps the party out of the workplace, instead attempting to head to a local bar after work. Their post-work festivities are delayed by Jo Bennett (Kathy Bates), the visiting Sabre taskmaster, who shames the employees into staying later by not leaving herself. Eventually Michael Scott makes a rare ballsy judgment call and stands up to Bennett, though not before the cleaning crew tries to come in to sweep the floors. The gang makes it to the bars for green beers long before “Irish Christmas,” as Scott calls it, is over.

Lesson: Suburban moms like vaguely ethnic music.
Proof: A myriad of seasonal PBS specials, from Celtic Woman to The Irish Tenors
Oh, Michael Flatley. What hath thou wrought? After the fey sensation known as Riverdance brought in buckets of donations to PBS stations during pledge drives, public television just couldn’t let a good thing lie. Capitalizing on the bland, middle-aged audience’s taste for mild and inoffensive world music, PBS produced several other Irish-y specials, all of which air around St. Patrick’s Day each year. From The Irish Tenors, now on their fifth special, to Celtic Woman, an all-female ensemble featured in three of its own specials, one of which was shot in front of a dramatically lit castle, PBS programmers’ yoga music cup runneth over. And, hey, as long as the money keeps rolling in, who can blame them?

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